Monday, August 6, 2012

At the End of the Day a Cliche is OK.

 I am going to share some sad news with you all, sooner than later. I feel that this will help me move along through out the grieving process.

Recently, I under went a procedure to remove some very (suspicious) cells and was told by my OB-gyn to make a reproductive decision rather soon, due to how quickly these cells could come back. Josh and I knew that we wanted to have children, but we didn't know when. My surgery was in the middle of may and my recovery time was 4 weeks. The day after I was in the clear for activies, the hubs had to leave for his two weeks for the military. After that very productive two weeks, he came home and that Saturday I took a pregnancy test. Doubting that it would be positive, considering we had a one day window, I was not concerned. 3 short minutes later, we both had our mouths hanging open and couldn't believe we were going to be parents. And of course he was bragging in his man hood at how good his swimmers are *take note, they will ALL take credit for this.

I can't not explain to you the thoughts that go through your mind when you are shockingly expecting ;) You are happy, anxious, possibly in denial but not really. And you will pee on four more sticks because you think that you could be that 1% that gets the false positive (ladies, positive tests are ALWAYS right).

After settling in with this idea of a baby, I bought some good books and told my mother, sister and my bffs. We are social drinkers on the weekend, and to see me sitting back drinking soda water....IS VERY SUSPICIOUS, so my activities changed pretty quickly.

Now to the tough news. On Friday, I went to the OB-gyn for my ten week appointment, to hear the baby's heart beat. I was going to be alone for this appointment, except that on my way there, my sister texted me to pick her up from work. Thank God. I had never met this doctor that I was going to see before, as they recommend you rotate with everyone when you are pregnant. I was seeing Dr Tripp, whom my sister had great things to say about.  After 10 minutes and what seems like 100 questions about my medical history, out came the microphone box to listen to the heart beat. He told me not to worry if he couldn't find it, because I'm small and it's very common. After a few minutes, he couldn't find it and I went in for an ultrasound. Within about 20 minutes, I learned that our baby had no heart beat and had stopped growing at 6 weeks.  Talk about one of the saddest things you will ever hear. You question yourself and think "what could I have done differently?". I opted to go to the hospital that day and have a d and c because he didn't know when I would miscarriage on my own. Plus at this point, I wanted this lifeless sac out of me.

After losing a father and a brother in a short amount of time, cliche's have become my enemy. I have gone through moments when I have felt like God is not fair. I have been mad at him before. There was nothing anybody could say to help me through the selfish feelings I had felt. This time it was different. Somehow hearing "Everything happens for a reason", helped me. Whether I have finally surrendered my control over to the man upstairs and/or truly trust this saying in life.

I have had 3 days to sit with this news and today is a new day. I am going to get some motivation today and try to push through these thoughts and the negativity that roams around me:)

Feel free to leave any funny cliches or quotes that seem to make your day and thanks for reading;)



  1. Jess,

    I am so, so sorry to hear your news. I know some other women who have gone through it and it is never easy. I'm thinking about you and giving you a "virtual" hug.

  2. Thank you so much for your sweet words Brie.

  3. awww Jess my heart breaks for you! :( I know this cannot be an easy process for you to go through. You seem like you have a positive outlook on this horrible situation, and sometimes that can make a huge difference. Thinking of your during this time! :) HUGS! XOXO

  4. Thanks Nikki!! I'm trying to stay in the positive zone!!!!

  5. Just catching up and I'm SO very sorry to hear this news. Thank you for having the courage to share the news and thank you for the time you spent nurturing your baby. Job well done!


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